I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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