I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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