Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
It's blow job season.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
