I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Randomize
