I want to make a zoo with you.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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