My liver just broke up with me...
well I can't set my house on fire every night
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
