Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
