i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
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