There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
