you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Even my vagina gasped.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
