Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
It's blow job season.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
