It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I need moral support for this bender
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
