oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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