porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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