My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
