Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Randomize
