your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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