we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
