apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I think your dad took our porno
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
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