How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
