There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
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