just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
We are two peas in an std pod
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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