Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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