You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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