I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
