I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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