he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
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He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
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I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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