i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
