i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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