She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
