i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
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So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
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Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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