I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
