If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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