i need an iv and a liver transplant
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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