a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
