don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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