I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
You had me at "let me see your balls"
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
