It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
