I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
