who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Someone stole a lamp last night.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Randomize
