Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I just want nice things and good sex
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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