my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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