dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
