she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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