The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
