Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
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