Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
