Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
