I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
This is the prime rib incident all over again
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
