when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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