Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
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