Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
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It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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