Im at strip club and am horny
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
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Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
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I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
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