Don't make out with my wife yet
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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