some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
