So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
In other news, I just burned my penis
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
