i wish my penis had a tongue
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
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