Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
