I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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