i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
