I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
