Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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