either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
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I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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